New Goals

I'm gonna do this. I am restarting my food log tomorrow. I use loseit.com on my phone. Calorie count 533... Not doing the abc because It's ridiculous. I need to adjust my body to one set intake. I can handle this hopefully. I want a tiny body. I want to post pictures that others can use as thinspo. And i want to stick to it and have followers that support.me and hopefully (eventually) are able to learn.from.me...

Typically I don't swim because it kills my hair and messes it up. Especially since I went blonde last week. But my friends Nd my sailor talked.me into a yellow polls dot bikini. Perfect right? Now i just need to feel good in it. So guess I am going to start swimming.

Less than fifty days till he is home.

Also p90x, restarting at the end of the school year. Two weeks.

I wana be a skinny princess!

The end...

I stopped.. Maybe a month ago. I thought that it wasn't the right thing to do.. so i ended it.. I didn't want to be Pro-Ana... But i am.. I may not be underweight. But I see myself as bigger than I am... And I hate myself each time I eat... Maybe there is a happy medium... Will i ever find the real me?

Shocked

Maybe the purging is the only thing keeping my tummy getting smaller..

137.6. This morning. Closer to my goal.. but i feel so dirty..

Going to cut back. Not going to let myself get into a position where purging feels like the only way. It's just lately... It feels like It's the only way half of the time.. once even at school, but i resisted.

Lies

I tell myself everyday I won't do it again... But if i eat more than is necessary... It's all I can do to get rid of my sins.

I need this to stop.

People keep telling my how skinny I am getting, but my scale keeps saying that I'm still a fat loser.

Is purging really the only way..

Got some tips from a wrestler at my school today hope they help.

Binge binge binge!

Darn you charming small town cafe's with your tasty salad I smothered in ranch and your curl fries and fried shrimp that I thank go didn't finish all of.

And Darn you purple start pencil for making it so easy to re empty my stomach and make it crave ice cream, but that you for re making the ice cream leave me.

Darn me for thinking that purging after I eat is going to help anyone. Not even me. My three day diet seems a failure.

What will I do with myself! Gah.

Tomorrow I am banning myself from anything but the leftovers from tonight's binge, and...  A pint of ice cream.. which is a lot... But i love ice cream, and if i don't eat it my body eats everything else as punishment for not giving it what it wants.
And heck I'll probably just hate myself and purge..

Every time I send him pictures of my tummy and he says "mmm" I think of all the vomit that went into keeping that way for the picture.

Im not even good at this. Can I have one talent please? On occupation at least? I'm to idle.

Weigh in results, new quick diet, and the countdown.

Naked weight when i woke up this morning: 137.2!  And 138.2 with clothes.

Yesterday ilikr I said I didn't count calories very well but i kept my portions Down.

Breakfast: I had a quarter of a tortilla with quiche.
Lunch: sauted shrimp and mushrooms.
Dinner: two pieces of oven pizza, and half an Orange.
Then I ran about two miles.

Today I am starting a moderated version of The Three Day Diet. If you have never heard of it Google it.. I have to moderate it because being sixteen I don't really access most of my own.food, I have what my step dad buys. I'll say more about that in time.

The countdown has begun. I have 7.5 days until Matt comes home. And I want my naked weight at 135.6 when i see him. I can do it! I have to. No binging, no excuses. Working out when ever I can.

I hate to say it.

I cried in the shower again today... Not sure why. I am so insecure lately and taking all of my clothes off to shower makes it even worse. Matt will be here in 7.5 days... How can I ever expect him to love my body if i can't even love it. He says he loves it... But what does he know, he.as only seen pictures in the last year.

My calorie intake was good today. I don't feel like a complete lardo laying in bed like i do most nights. I didn't count them accurately.  But it wasn't to much. My goal is to have the weight I wake up with be the weight i fall asleep with, then when i wake up the next day it will bee even less! Woot! Common 138.2...

Self mutilation in pro.

I guess i have always wanted to hurt myself to have something wrong with me. But it never controlled me i always controlled it. The only thing in my life I can't control is my eating. Until the other day. I found Ana, I'm not so great at it. All I want is to eat.. so once I felt my stomach grumble in full... I.. disposed of my stomachs contents right into the toilet... Ever since, I have done it each and every day some times multiple times. I want to be skinny. And I can and will find a way.

I.bought a digital scale and it informed me that I weight one 141.0 on am empty stomach... D: I'm hideous... But don't worry me and my, my Mio with a side kick of little star pencil can make it to 125...

How.

I'm sixteen years old. One hundred thirty five lbs. My boyfriend has a perfect body and so does my best friend.... No matter what I do... I can't have that perfect body. I'm still all gross. Work outs at least three times a week. One thousand or less calories a day... Nothing I can do will change this stupid fat body of mine. I want to be beautiful and feel beautiful when mat comes home in twelve days... Desperate measures are be taken.

*baurrghf*

That is all i have to say about that.

The lie.

Maybe I am just like everywhere teen...

Priority List

Walking Dead(:
Matthew John Venable
Tatum John(my guinea pig)
Zumba
Acting
Robotics
Work
Band
School
Me time
(In that order), yes I'm at the bottom...

I need this list desperately to remember what matters most, and for planning out my time.

I first got the idea when my robotics teacher just said "priorities" that's all it took. He said he was fine with me going to musical reversal over a meeting.. I think that's what it meant. But I still helped almost more than anyone else in robotics.

I use it every day, and as I get more things to do I add it somewhere on the list and schedule it in somehow.

I am really good with money, so I have a lot saved from the 2 pay checks I've had in my life. But i just don't know what to buy. I know what all I an going to buy, but putting it in a priorities list from first to last will be hard.

                                  -Arianna. "Princess"

Disrespecting the Dead

My aunt Tonya's girl friend died last week. I have known her for years. She has permanent injuries and sickness. So we all knew it could happen but never expected it. I loved her she was so good to me. Spoiled ne like I was her own..

At her funeral, her immediate family arranged, people who Ella never was even around in the past couple of years, Ella wasn't even mentioned.... They didn't even talk about her at her own funeral... And they wouldn't let ny aunt be a part of it at all (even though Ella has lived with ny aunt for years) but they want her to help pay...

It was the most disrespectful, selfish thing i had ever seen, it took all I had not to just get up and leave right there.

Eating cake, burning money, and new fads!

Today I learned that you can infact have your cake and eat it too... But you will have to pay for it..

Today i got my second pay check ever. And went to Ross.. bad idea..

I went in for a skirt.
Came out with three shirts, a tanktop, and the best things ever invented.

My new work out pants are the jeggings re invented. They are like actual leggings (not just super stretch denim with no zipper) and they are colored to look like jeans, creates, fake rips and all.. in a picture you can't even tell they are not jeans. Yoga pants with a jeans spill! I love them! And i am the type who would never ever wear anything but jeans in public!

Next on today's agenda. I decided I am not fat.. I just seriously need to tone. I have enough juggle these days to win a contest against jello. (new cool work out pants are an inspiration)

Spider Man, the love of my life.

No I am not in love with a fictional scharacter. Well not in this case anyway. His name is Matthew John Venable. He has recently re kindled his love for the old tv show spiderman. He believes he is spiderman infact.
   Any way my point is, no matter how much the tears feel the need to exist, when I hear his voice It's all gone. No matter how many doubt I have about his love for me, he always makes me happy. And then I just feel dumb for having thought anything negative.
   He is a sailor. A navy boy. Before he graduated web were in high-school together. We always had an affinity for each other.. nothing can keep us apart. Not even the twelve hundred miles that are keeping us apart.
    Four weeks till I see how again. It's been a year and two months.

Crying in the Shower

These are not quite the circumstances in which I wanted this blog to start. I planned on telling about myself; what I like to do and all that jazz... But here we are.. Me sitting on my couch pretending i feel alright.. (No this blog isn't about depression) Honestly, I don't know whats wrong with me.. I woke up this morning in a tear filled mood.. Whining and screaming at my mom, about my hair... Ignorant, I know. At school I felt isolated, which is unusual. I am a very sociable girl, honestly... Then I went to work (Braum"s).. So many shakes blew up in my face, I could have thrown up. The second I got home I got in the shower and cried.. One of those Seriously unattractive cries that involves your face filling with mucus, random squeaky hiccup noises,and violent shaking... Yep.. My day was horrid.. but i promise new readers they are not all like this.. And soon you will learn all about me and my unconventionally normal,y abnormal life.